Navigating Conflict: Seven Steps to Improve Relationships (Trail Marker #58)

These past few weeks we have been talking about the role conflict has to create unhealthy relationships. Facing conflict can be particularly frightening, yet it is an essential part of growth and healing. Today we are going to look through seven steps to resolve conflict based on biblical wisdom. You will learn how other women face similar challenges and improve their relationships. 

Step 1: Make the First Move - Face it Head On

It's tempting to avoid conflict, hoping it will resolve itself. However, unresolved issues can fester and grow, leading to greater pain. The fear we have in facing the conflict leads to a lack of vulnerability which leads to isolation. Instead of procrastinating we need to take the initiative to address the conflict. This shows courage and a commitment to healing. A young woman, Sarah, had been avoiding a conversation with her sister for months after a heated argument. Their relationship felt strained, and Sarah avoided any contact. One day, Sarah decided to take the first step. She called her sister and apologized for her part in the disagreement. They talked through their issues and found common ground, rebuilding their bond. She followed Biblical scripture found in Matthew 5:23-24 which states, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”

Homework Exercise: Reflect on a recent conflict you've avoided. Write a letter to the person involved, expressing your desire to address and resolve the issue. You don't have to send the letter, but it can help clarify your thoughts and feelings.

Step 2: Ask God for Wisdom

In the midst of conflict, emotions can cloud our judgment. Seeking God's wisdom through prayer can provide clarity and guidance on how to proceed. This is especially important when we have not had people in our lives who have modeled resolving conflict. In my family, there was fear of conflict where we walked on egg shells to limit the chance of an argument. This led me to fearing conflict in my relationships. I was unsure what to say. Remember James 1:5, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”

Homework Exercise: Spend time in prayer, asking God for wisdom and understanding regarding the conflict. Journal any insights or feelings that arise during this time.

Step 3: Begin with What is Your Fault - Remove Selfishness and Pride

Taking responsibility for your part in the conflict, no matter how small, is crucial. It is important to look at our thoughts to remove any that are self-centered. As Rick Warren says, “it is always more rewarding to resolve a conflict than to dissolve a relationship.” Proverbs 13:10 reminds us of the danger of having pride. “Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.”

Homework Exercise: Write down your role in the conflict. Identify any selfish or prideful behaviors that may have contributed. Reflect on how you can change these behaviors moving forward.

Step 4: Listen to Their Hurts and Perceptions

Listening is a powerful tool for healing. By truly hearing the other person's perspective, you can understand their hurt and show empathy. Another woman, Emily, had a falling out with a close friend over a misunderstanding. When they finally sat down to talk, Emily made a conscious effort to listen without interrupting and being considerate. Her friend shared how hurt she had been feeling, and Emily realized there were aspects of the situation she hadn't considered. This deepened their understanding and empathy for each other. 

Two great scriptures to remember are:

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” - James 1:19

“Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up.” - Romans 15:2

Homework Exercise: Practice active listening with a trusted friend or family member. Focus on their words without interrupting, and reflect back what you hear to ensure understanding.

Step 5: Speak Truth Tactfully

When it's your turn to speak, choose your words carefully. Aim to build up, not tear down. Speaking truth with love fosters a safe environment for resolution. Instead of lashing out with the person, take time to explain your concerns and how much you care about the person. This approach often will open up a dialogue where together you work through the issues together. Remember Ephesians 4:29, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Homework Exercise: Write down what you want to communicate in the conflict. Review your words to ensure they are constructive and kind.

Step 6: Fix the Problem, Not the Blame

Rather than focusing on the person and what they might have done wrong, it is important to focus on the problem. Using “I” statements diffuses the anger and removes any blame or shame. This approach promotes problem-solving and healing rather than further conflict. Lisa and her husband were at odds over their finances. Instead of pointing fingers, they sat down and analyzed what went wrong. They reminded themselves of Colossians 3:8 which says, “But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.” They identified areas for improvement and implemented new strategies to prevent similar issues in the future, strengthening their relationship.

Homework Exercise: Identify the core issue of the conflict. Brainstorm possible solutions that focus on resolving the problem, not blaming the person.

Step 7: Focus on Reconciliation, Not Resolution

Reconciliation is about peace and understanding. Even if the issue isn't fully resolved you will find wholeness physically, mentally and spiritually. I’m reminded of Anne who after years of tension, she reached out to her mother. They began with small conversations, focusing on rebuilding trust rather than rehashing old arguments. Over time, their relationship healed, and they found joy in each other's company once again. Just as scripture says in 2 Corinthians, we are not to count another’s sin against them. “All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.”

Homework Exercise: Reflect on a past conflict that was resolved. Consider how the relationship was restored and what steps led to reconciliation. Apply these lessons to your current situation.

Conflict resolution is not easy, but with God's wisdom and a heart focused on healing, it is possible. By taking these steps, you can navigate conflict in a way that promotes growth, understanding, and deeper connections. Remember, you are not alone in this journey—God is with you every step of the way.

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