Trail Marker #12 Betrayal - Is There Life After Divorce

Today I want to talk a little bit about the betrayal that we face when we're going through the divorce process. If you have faced a divorce, a common question that is asked is “is there life after the divorce.” I wondered the same thing. My life was torn upside down. The betrayal was so deep it was hard for me to process what life was going to be. This betrayal happens when trust is broken by someone who we deeply love. The betrayal could be because of infidelity (and that could be an affair or pornography) it could because of a substance abuse or other addiction; financial irresponsibility; if you have experience verbal, emotional, or physical abuse or the betrayal could come from abandonment and neglect. No matter what led to the divorce we are left with questions like: “How in the world did I get here?” “What did I do?” “Who is this person that I thought I knew?” and “Who am I now?”

I have experienced two marriages that ended in divorce. Both were due to different reasons but the end result was I felt like I a part of me had died. We have talked before about the five stages of grief. On each stage I went through they did not flow in the order that is explained by counselors. They were all jumbled together. When I was told that I was not wanted or loved, I sat listening to the words but in denial of what they were saying. I continued to ask “what are you saying,” “what do you mean.” My mind was in complete shock. Why would they reject me? What did I do? Are they having a nervous breakdown?

The second stage that is in the grief process is anger. My stomach was in knots. I couldn't think through the pounding in my head. I felt nauseous. The anger started raising my blood pressure. The next stage is blame. When I entered the blame stage it was like venom was spitting out of my lips. I could think of so many things to blame. My reaction created an even more intense betrayal as their narcissistic tendencies twisted what I was saying to blame me. I couldn't sleep. I did not know what to eat or even if I wanted to eat. I went days without taking a shower. The depression was so intense I wondered why God would just not take me to heaven. It wasn't until almost a year after the divorce being final that I finally embraced and accepted the death of those relationships.

You may have not gone through the same experiences as me. Each of us processes lost in our own way. No matter how you responded, our goal was to find safety. In the midst of the nightmare it is common to have difficulty with concentration, sleep, panic, mood swings, shame, nausea, headaches, and sometimes even physical pain.

I joined a support group for those who are going through divorce. Divorce Care (divorcecare.org) provided me with a space to process that betrayal. I was reminded that I did have a voice even if my partner told me I didn’t. I was reminded that with God on my side He will provide me the strength and be my vindicator. It was also helpful to have a therapist during that time and they provided an objective point of view.

Creating a loss inventory was also helpful for me and others. As a teacher, often I assign homework but I want you to know that this is optional. There are three things as part of this loss inventory.

1. Make a running list of everything that you have lost due to the betrayal and the divorce. Be specific. You want to break it down into categories: Health, Relationships, Career, Time, Money. Add to that list as you gain awareness of other things you have lost.

2. Journal the feelings that you have. Take the time to feel each one. You need to feel the damage before you can rebuild.

3. Find your identity. We are going to do an exercise together that will help you in this area. Take a piece of paper and draw lines to separate it into four equal sections. Label each section as: Things I can't replace; Things I must replace, Things I would like to replace, and Things I'm glad to see gone.

• Things you can't replace may be trust and love from your spouse. Your role as a sister-in-law, an aunt or a daughter-in-law those roles have changed and can not be replaced.

• Things that you must replace could be related to income changes, a place to live, transportation, and medical insurance coverage. It is very overwhelming to think about what must be replaced Have a support system to help you make those decisions. I am so grateful to the friends and church members that I have in my life that walked with me. They helped me by giving me furniture, clothes, towels and so much more because I had to start completely over in my life.

• Things I would like to replace. This includes your voice. You want to renew your self-worth. Find trusted friends to replace those friendships that you thought you could trust. Even buying another blanket as a replacement of your favorite blanket that you use to help soothe yourself.

• Things that I'm glad are gone. It may take a while to figure out what that looks like. It be things like: you don't have to go where you don't want to go; you can choose to cook or not cook. Cereal is the perfect dinner when you are by yourself. You no longer have to deal with anger outburst or walking on eggshells. Of course you have full control over the remote.

There is life after divorce and betrayal. I didn't think so but I am resting knowing that God has a purpose for my life no matter the loss. He has restored me to a point where I am able to help me to help others.

As a life coach I can help you answer the question of “Who am I now?” Together we can set up action steps for you to Walk the Road to Restoration and claim the new life that God has for you. Take time to schedule your free 30 minute discovery call and let's work together so that you can embrace the joy God has for you despite the betrayal.