Trail Marker #18 What to Say or Not Say with Grief and Loss

What do you say when someone you love is going through the loss of a loved one? With my brother's passing, I have been thinking about what people have said that helped and what did not help.

Sometimes it is a shock that someone has passed. Other times the person has been sick for some time and their family and friends have already grieved the loss of their loved one.

No matter the situation, each individual is going through the cycle of grief. This cycle includes denial, anger, blame or bargaining, depression and then acceptance. These feelings do not always follow in the same order as they cycle is described especially since each person handles the loss of a loved one in their own way.

Oftentimes it is hard to know what to say to a person who is grieving. What are things you can do for them? This is also difficult when you are also feeling the pain of losing the family member, friend or colleague.

Each time I have lost a loved one I have noticed that there are things that have been said that were very hurtful. There also have been those who have said the exact thing I needed.

Some of the things you should not ask or things that are not comforting:

1. How did they die? This can often have them reliving the moment of the person's passing. With my mother, her last days were filled with pain where I felt hopeless, overwhelmed and I watched her suffer. I certainly did not want to explain how she died.

2. Were they a Christian? This is something that can only be answered between God and the person that passed. If they person is unsure if the loved one was a Christian, this can cause additional pain. During the grief process, being concerned about where the loved one has gone could add to their grief. This question was asked of my brother Jim. The fact that his death was determined an accident there were still those that questioned if it was a suicide. People were more concerned about his behavior than on his death.

3. I know exactly how you feel. Yes, you have experienced something similar but this time is not about you. As they grieve, you can think of things that were helpful for you when you went through your loss.

4. They are lucky to have lived to such a long time. No matter the timing of the death thee loss never lines up with what you expect. Our timing is not God's timing. When my mother passed, an individual mentioned that I should not be grieving as I was because at least she had lived a long life compared to the person they had lost at a young age. Comparing the two was hurtful but also minimized my lost.

5. You'll feel better soon. As I mentioned, everyone grieves differently. The loss can be felt for the rest of their life. Birthdays, anniversaries, a favorite song, holiday. Each day is one to grief. When you say they will feel better soon, it can come across that they need to stop feeling what they are feeling.

So what can you say?

1. I'm sorry for your loss

2. How can I help? It is possible that they can't think of what they need.

• Remember that they are having many people come in to pay their respects. Perhaps they are out of toilet paper.

• Let them know that you are going to the grocery store and ask if you can pick up something (milk or even dog food.

• Offer to help write thank you notes.

• Ask if you can check their mail, pick up kids from school, prune bushes, etc.

• What would want someone to do for you?

3. Share a memory. This can be such an encouragement and show that others loved them as much they did. It reminds them of the good times.

4. Ask them to tell you about them. This helps the person open up. They want to share both the good and bad. It always them to process what they are feeling.

5. Sometimes don't say anything. If you don't know what to say, it is okay to just stay silent. Your presence means more than you think. Don't forget the power of human touch. Ask if it is okay to give them a hug or hold their hand.

Grief is a painful season but necessary in heling. Grief is a painful season but a necessary pert of healing. Give them space and time to feel their emotions. There are several scriptures that can be of encouragement but be careful not to use them to minimize their grief.

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirt."

Psalm 73:26 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

In this time of loss, I hold fast to the memory that my brother was a great husband, amazing father, loving friend who always had a kind word to say. He was my big brother who cared for me, trusted me, laughed with me, and will always be in my heart.

If you need help processing your grief and loss not only with the death of a loved one but also a trauma, reach out to me for a FREE 30-minutes discovery call. I am here to help as a life coach. linktr.ee/beingrestoredtojoy