Trail Marker #19 Life After Divorce - What is Trauma Bonding

For those of you who are experiencing life after divorce, you may now realize the abuse that you experienced during your marriage. Sometimes that abuse could have been emotional, physical and even spiritual control.

Living a life of abuse can lead to a trauma bond. With trauma bonding, the abuse often follows with positive reinforcement. As a victim of this abuse, it can bring up complicated emotions that are difficult to cope with. That is when you might start to feel bonded to the abuser. You may start to build that attachment because you convince yourself that this is love.

For me I have looked back at relationships and realized that I had developed a trauma bond. I told myself that my abuser was just upset, that they will change, or focus on who they were before the abuse happened. This is common with other women. We can often get stuck in a cycle of abuse and then positive reinforcement where we return to the person even though they treated us wrong.

It is important to look at your relationships to see if trauma bonding has been created. I have found several signs to look for:

• Justifying abuse

• Covering for the abusive person

• Isolating, especially from people who are trying to help

• Becoming defensive when someone brings up the abuse or tries to help

• Not wanting to leave the situation

Trauma bonding is not real love. A healthy relationships includes:

• Respect

• Safety and Security

• Trust

• Support

• Accountability

• Willingness to grow and work through challenges

I encourage you to take steps to break those trauma bonds. It took me some time to recognize the effects of trauma bonds. Knowing what a healthy relationship is gives me education on what to look for in future relationships. There are some steps I found that can help you break the trauma bonds.

• Acknowledging the present

• Instead of hoping that a person will change or looking at them in the way they were when you first met, acknowledge what is currently happening and reflect on it

• Look at the evidence

• An abuser will most commonly make promises of love or change, focus on their actions not their words

• Practice self-care and positive self-talk

• Get help. Having a life coach and a professional counselor can help encourage you to break that cycle. Coaching can also provide you with the steps for self-care and create a healthy future.

If you’re getting divorced or leaving a relationship with someone who has been abusive, you must understand that as long as that person is in your life, your trauma bond will remain. Remember that you can set boundaries to detach the trauma bond.

You can transform the trauma. Contact me to set up a FREE 30-minute discovery call to start walking the road to restoration.