Trail Marker #7 - Who Is On Trial? The Victim or Donald Trump?

Today I want to talk about the trial that is going on between Jean Carroll and Donald Trump. The report of sexual assault between Donald Trump and Jean Carroll is a classic example of what not to say or do with the victim. I am appalled at the questions and accusations the lawyers are raising with Ms. Carroll.

How this is being handled is why many victims do not come forward after being sexually assaulted. How does asking her why she didn't burn her dress matter in proving the assault happened? Questioning why she waited until now also has no bearing on the case. The legal system is to prove beyond a shadow of doubt as to if the perpetrator actually assaulted the victim it is not about questioning the victim to find fault in their confession.

One of the reasons why I never told anyone after the assault I experienced is because the perpetrator told me that I had asked for it because of what I was wearing. The shame I felt had me question if I had done something wrong. I was not responsible for the assault. The person at fault was the perpetuator. Donald Trump is the one who needs to be questioned. The media is focused on how this charge will affect Trump's life but it does not focus on how Ms. Carroll has been affected and will be affected for the rest of her life. No one seems to be listening to her friends who knew about the assault.

So what do you say if you know of someone who has been assaulted. It is hard to know what to say. Asking such outlandish questions adds to the trauma that survivors already have. I came across an article by Hope for Healing that offers great advice on what to say and what not to say. Here are a few examples of what to say.

1. “I believe you." It can be extremely difficult for survivors to come forward and share their story. I have worked with trauma survivors for over 20 years and often I am the first person they have told about their assault. They may feel shame, concerned that they won’t be believed, or worried they’ll be blamed. Don't ask "why" questions. Your job is to support the person.

2. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything to deserve this.” Reminding them, maybe more than once, that they are not to blame. I know of someone who was raped while on her first date with someone. They were told afterwards that they should have known not to go out with this person. Another "friend" told her that she had asked for it because they had gone on the date and sex was what was expected on a date. The fact that she also became pregnant added to the trauma. It was not her fault or your fault no matter what you did or did not do.

4. “You are not alone.” Let the survivor know that you are there for them and willing to listen if they are comfortable to share. Please let them know that there is only so much support you can give and there are resources available to them. The National Sexual Assault Hotline can be reached at: 800.656.HOPE (4673).

5. “I’m sorry this happened. This shouldn’t have happened to you.” When they are talking about the trauma and how they are feeling, repeat back to them what you heard to make sure you understand what they have said. Acknowledge that the experience has affected their life. Phrases like “This must be really tough for you,” and, “I’m so glad you are sharing this with me,” help to communicate empathy. When I was in college, the first person that I really talked to about the assault, she listened, repeated back to me what I had said and explained to me how much I was not responsible for the assault. I will forever be grateful for her support.

As a survivor, it is hard to admit as to what has happened to us so when someone actually comes forward and shares the trauma be sure to avoid judgment. They are handling the trauma the way they need to handle it. Each person reacts differently to being assaulted but that does not mean it didn't happen. Even after they talk to you it is important to reach out to them no matter how long ago the trauma happened. Like I mentioned, the effects can continue the rest of your life. Be sure to let them know you care and are there to help.

As we listen to this trial and we think about other victims of sexual assault I encourage you to join me in praying for those victims. With this trial, continue to pray for the judicial system that the truth will come out. I know that God is watching and He is the judge and jury.. No matter what the court decides, He knows where they live and He will hold them accountable. If you have been a victim of sexual assault, I encourage you to reach out and tell a trusted person. Call the Hotline. Even if you decide not to press charges you need the support of someone who has been there before. I made the decision not to press charges but often wish I had as there was proof that he had assaulted another person. I am forever grateful for the trauma counselors that helped me process the assault and they can help you make the decision that is right for you..

My purpose is to help you process your trauma. Remember you are not alone. God promises to restore your health and heal your wounds (Jeremiah 30:15). He will give you Beauty for Ashes. Another verse that I hold dear to my heart and reminds of how much God loves is in Joel 2:25-27.

“So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, The crawling locust, The consuming locust, And the chewing locust, My great army which I sent among you. You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, And praise the name of the Lord your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you; And My people shall never be put to shame. Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel: I am the Lord your God And there is no other. My people shall never be put to shame."

Joel 2:25-27

When God talks about the crawling locust, the consuming locust that is the description of the perpetrator. They are disgusting bug and with God's help they will be squashed. God will restore what the locusts have eaten.

You are not alone. You are not to blame. Your voice matters. We will continue to walk this Road to Restoration together.